Madison Beer.Photo: Matthew Priestley
Madison Beeris looking back on a difficult period in her life.
The “Dangerous” singer-songwriter writes about standing on her balcony and contemplating suicide at age 16 after having nude photos leaked online and parting ways with her manager and record label in an excerpt from her upcoming memoirThe Half of It, shared exclusively with PEOPLE.
Beer, now 24, announced the book in February and spoke to PEOPLE about its inspiration in an interview at the time. “I really wanted to write this book now because I thought sharing some of the ups and downs in my life might be able to help other people navigate and relate,” she said.
Madison Beer.Courtesy Harper Collins
While negotiating the details of going independent was rocky, the emotional turmoil of being dropped was harder to work through. It wasn’t just a bump in my career—it was a hit to my personal life, too. Coupled with the trauma of having my nudes leaked, it completely shattered the image I had of Los Angeles and the industry. These two big, life-altering events happening back to back knocked me off my feet, tilted my world on its axis, and left me feeling like I had no idea who I was. I didn’t know who I could trust anymore, and I didn’t even know I needed to seek help for the way I was feeling.
It was a lot of conflicting emotions for a newly sixteen-year-old girl to try to shoulder on her own. I felt like I was my own worst enemy. I retreated more and more into myself, and it was the beginning of some of the darkest years of my life, starting at age sixteen and following me into my twenties. There were many times—just like the night my nudes were leaked—that I felt so backed into a corner I thought the only way out was to end my life.
My little brother found me and screamed for my parents, and as I climbed back over, listening to them all freak out, I was only confused why they were making such a big deal out of it. The thought of killing myself was so normal to me at that point that I had forgotten it wasn’t something everyone pondered on a daily basis.
As for my career, starting over again was terrifying.
Even though I was eager to try, rebuilding my confidence after being dropped was a long and difficult process. I was a starry-eyed, naive girl when I first came out to Los Angeles, and as my mom and I started facing the industry on our own, I realized just how much of my blind confidence I’d lost. I went from having the support of an entire professional team and photo shoots on huge, shiny sets to shooting the cover for my next single with a handheld camera in my living room.
Ironically enough, as I began to slip into some of my darkest years, I was in the midst of rebranding myself as a strong, bad-ass independent female. It felt like the biggest diversion from the sweet bubblegum pop image I had before. I wanted to be a solid, empowering role model for my audience, but in reality I felt anything but.
My EPAs She Pleaseswas the first step in rebuilding some of my confidence. I still cherish those songs and all they taught me. The title speaks for itself. It was my first try at writing my own music, and all I wanted to do was make music that I liked—it was that simple. In the beginning, writing my own music and becoming more involved in the production process was scary. The reckless confidence I had when I initially started in this industry had been worn down. When I’d tried to give creative input before, I was always shot down, made to feel like it was something I should leave up to the experts. I was terrified of being rejected, of not being good enough.
It took years before I could proudly call myself a songwriter. But the most amazing part about gaining confidence as an artist was finally feeling like my music was resonating with my listeners. I was actually putting out music I was proud of. After bending myself to other people’s wills for so many years, I was doing as I pleased, slowly discovering myself and my own sound independent of outside opinion. I had a long road ahead, but I was taking steps in the right direction. A direction that felt bright.
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
source: people.com
